


At the Back of the Page

by firebreathless



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Bands, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possible Spoilers, Romance, hopefully lol, i need not say more, maybe it'll get better, watch out for them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24021910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firebreathless/pseuds/firebreathless
Summary: Uenoyama Ritsuka suddenly wrote songs. One of them was a heartbreak song even when he was in a relationship— if anyone considered it as one.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 23
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> take note of the possible spoilers! and maybe ocs but lets see about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Haruki-san, I'm going to break it off with Mafuyu."

Uenoyama likes to think he's just a simple guy. Even if Haruki calls him a prodigy and even though Kaji puts him in a higher regards than what he does to others, Uenoyama can't bring himself to see what's so special about him. The most he could say is: his prowess in playing the guitar comes from sheer hard work he had put on from elementary school, and that's about it. But, any other person could do that, right? A lot of people could improve through practice and get their goals done. It's not new. It's not something extraordinary to celebrate for. He's not at all special.

He's just a simple guy.

And by this, he thinks he loves in the most simplest way, too.

He does not love through the grandest actions. He followed what his heart tells him to, even if he does not understand it at first. It was ridiculous to think about how he just made some actions without fully understanding them. One moment, he's getting strings to change someone's broken ones. One moment, he's searching articles about teaching someone while in the middle of class. One moment, he's just doing things without understanding where they are coming from. He just... did them. He just did what his heart probably told him to do.

So, in all honesty, he could not figure out why his teenager romance need to be this complicated.

"For fuck's sake..." Uenoyama groans against his palms. He feels angry at himself. _What the hell am I bitching for?_ He accepted that annoying vocalist's request. He could have not agreed, but he did. He agreed on finishing that song, so why is he now hurting like this? More so, why is he acting like this now that the song is already done? Uenoyama bumps his head against the table. _No shit, man._

"Ueonoyama-kun?"

Uenoyama groans to himself. _Oh, for the love of God._ Out of all times, his boyfriend just had to come to witness his despair. Uenoyama clicks his tongue. _Could've found a nicer timing, eh?_ But that's too late to wish now. He could clearly feel Mafuyu's presence beside his table and he does not have the heart to not give the guy the attention he's calling for.

Sometimes, he wishes he has.

Pulling his head from being buried against the table, Uenoyama tried to his best to look put together as he looks up to Mafuyu. "Hey," he greets with a small nod. Mafuyu only stares at him for seconds, with that all too familiar blank face he sports like a daily outfit, and Uenoyama doesn't know but he feels mildly irritated.

"Let's head home, Uenoyama-kun."

He watches as his boyfriend smiles down at him before turning towards the door. The mild irritation bubbling inside his chest turned into a huge flame of something Uenoyama does not want to acknowledge. If he does, he thinks someone would be hurt, and he does not want to hurt anybody. He does not want to hurt anyone.

_"That boy's going to break your heart."_

Isn't it too cruel for his sister's voice to ring in his head at this very moment? Honestly, very cruel. It just reminded him how he does not want to hurt others, even when he's hurting himself.

Pathetic.

Uenoyama did not know where it came from, but he is suddenly writing phrases of pure pain in the back side of his notes and a sad hum is playing in his head. His fingers work along with something he does not know. Maybe along the rhythm of his hums, or the beating of his heart? He didn't know. But they write, and write, and they work like river with its scariest flow. He felt pathetic that day. He and Mafuyu walked out of school together, but he remained mostly to himself. He's sure it's not exactly hidden in his face now, but when he catches Mafuyu's face just looking straight ahead, like his own boyfriend is not having a silent battle inside his mind of some sort, Uenoyama decides he'll stay back at the nearest convenience store nearby.

"Do you need to buy something?" Mafuyu asked.

Uenoyama replied, "You should go ahead."

Mafuyu stared blankly at Uenoyama's face for seconds before breaking into a small smile. "Take care on your way home, okay?" Mafuyu's voice was something Uenoyama had always indulged himself with, but at that moment, he feels slightly hurt by it. But Uenoyama does not want to take out whatever he's feeling on his boyfriend, so he just smiles, despite all the unnamed pains in his chest, and lands a gentle pat on Mafuyu's head.

That afternoon, Uenoyama was able to calm his waves. He remains sitting at the chair of the store, notes filled with random phrases, sandwich wrapper near him, sipping on his juice box with a sad humming from earlier in school.

Pathetic.

* * *

This feeling went on for days, weeks, months, and Uenoyama thought he grew numb of the pain hidden inside his chest. He tried to keep everything to himself. Every time Mafuyu hugs him, rubs his head against his shoulder, holds his hand, it was almost enough to let him forget of the pain he's been keeping to himself. At some point, Uenoyama thought he's heading to a good direction where he could just move forward and leave everything behind without thinking about them.

But alas, that would not happen.

For all his life, Uenoyama has people's eyes on him and for the most part, he does not care about them. He plays music because it was fun, it made him happy. If people enjoyed his music, it made him happy too, but even if they did not, as long he's playing, he's happy.

So, why is he feeling like an outcast right now?

No, maybe he should stop, but that would be embarrassing and would truly be against his nature. If he starts playing the guitar on stage, he will finish it. No questions asked. So, even if he's feeling so alone as he plays the song Yuuki had composed for his boyfriend, the one he had finished as well as per that annoying vocalist's request, he would continue playing. Even if he saw Mafuyu from the crowd crying and probably reminiscing every firsts he and his late boyfriend did, Uenoyama would continue playing. Even if he feels his heartstrings breaking under the hot stage lights burning his skin, he would continue playing. He would continue because he started.

So, when Hiiragi finished the song, Uenoyama finally had the time to stop as well.

He breathed, but his chest remains constricted.

* * *

"Uecchi."

"Hm?"

"Did something happen between you and Mafuyu?"

Uenoyama's fingers were frozen for a moment, but they caught on pretty quickly. The zip of his bag screams at the silence he shares with Haruki. He lets it swallow them for a moment before turning to Haruki and bowing in apology, "It would not affect the band, I promise. I'm sorry."

Haruki was too surprised to react verbally. _Huh?! Is it that bad that he worried about it affecting the band?! Oh, no. Are we screwed now?!_ Uenoyama had his head bowed for almost a minute before the older member got himself together from wondering silently to himself. Haruki splutters, "Hey, hey. It's okay! Band practice was great. If it's not of your eyes, I wouldn't even notice something happened."

Uenoyama fought the urge to scratch his eyes for being so obvious that something's bothering him. "My eyes are terrible actors, huh." Haruki laughs a little at his joke before adding one of his own, "That's why you're a musician, Uecchi."

The aftermath of the joke had quickly died down when it is just the whirring of the air-conditioner heard inside. Haruki had done a fair job at keeping his mouth shut this time. He badly wants to say something, though. The look on Uenoyama's face right now, it's something he hasn't seen before. The kid is obviously in pain about something, but Haruki does not want to jump to any conclusions and the frightening conclusion he has in his mind is something he does not want to say, either.

But Uenoyama surprised him when he said it himself.

"Haruki-san, I'm going to break it off with Mafuyu."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's because you still care for Mafuyu, Uecchi."

"Uenoyama-kun."

Uenoyama's hand stopped writing when he registered his name being called by Mafuyu's voice. _Goddamn. He still gets me like this, huh._ He silently laughs at himself. Even if he tries to keep Mafuyu's voice out of his mind, it can't be helped. Mafuyu's voice rings in his ear like a huge alarm of feeling between grounding and suffocating. He can't still figure it out.

Maybe that's the reason why he still can't breakup with Mafuyu.

"Uenoyama-kun?"

A wave in front of his face had Uenoyama blinking out of his trance and looking up to meet Mafuyu's worried eyes. "Uenoyama-kun, are you here?" His eyes literally sparkle under the sunlight slipping through the classroom's window. _Crap. He looks so good._ It was almost enough for Uenoyama to not register the question thrown at him, but he did. The question got into his mind. It was probably harmless and innocent, but Uenoyama can't shake the clawing and numbing feeling inside his chest. _Am I here? I am always here, Mafuyu. Always._

_Not like you._

"You go ahead. I have something to do before band practice," Uenoyama smiles.

* * *

_**From: Mafuyu** _   
_Hey. I wasn't able to take the train so it might take a few before the next one arrives. Where are you????_

Uenoyama stopped in his tracks after reading his boyfriend's message. He was already quite near towards the station, so he stepped back to stall and grab something from the convenience store.

**_To: Mafuyu_ **   
_I might take a while. Probably later than expected. You go ahead._

Uenoyama had just stepped inside the convenience store, nodding at the staff's greeting when another message quickly rang in his phone.

_**From: Mafuyu** _   
_Ah, ok. Sorry. I thought I can ride with you. I kinda wanting to..._

Uenoyama deeply sighed. It is times like this that he can't help but feel guilty about how he expressively avoids Mafuyu. He doesn't even eat lunch with him anymore. He makes sure to volunteer to every teacher's request for help so he could do something during break. If there's no teacher tasks, Uenoyama would play basketball for a while. Mafuyu watches and plays along sometimes, but that's better because they are surrounded with more people and Uenoyama had more chances to ignore him. If none of those are available, then Uenoyama had no choice but to nap on their spot while Mafuyu silently eats his lunch beside him. At least, they're not talking.

The campus is not aware of their relationship, so it might not come off as that weird that they're spending less time together now. However, the band and Mafuyu himself know. Mafuyu should know by now that their relationship is turning cold, right? Uenoyama wishes the vocalist would catch on to where he's trying to drive their whatever relationship to. _It would be easier for me to end things if Mafuyu has something to blame on me._

Uenoyama decided not to indulge himself with this kind of gestures anymore. It made his heart skip a beat, sure, but he wouldn't bask in it. It would just make things harder than it already is.

Just as he was just about to ignore the message, a new one came.

**_From: Mafuyu_ **   
_You might be busy right now, I see. Let's see each other in the studio, okay???? I brought snacks for the both of us!!!! Let's eat together okay????? Just us! I won't even share with Haruki-san !!!! I missed eating with you._

The smile that crept up on Uenoyama's lips is sad, yet it was so fond of Mafuyu. He didn't want himself to smile, and yet he did. Just this much is already making him warm. _Ah, am I that overshadowed to be longing for the bare minimum?_ The urge to wish more of this is strong, but Uenoyama knows it will just make things harder. But, a bit indulgence is not going to hurt, right? _Pft. Who am I kidding? As if I'm not hurting enough._ His lips are curved in a small smile while he types a reply after shoving the sandwich he just bought inside his bag.

_**To: Mafuyu** _   
_Okay. I'll see you there._

_**From: Mafuyu** _   
_I'll be waiting!!!!!!_

* * *

"I thought you're going to breakup with him?"

The sound of the can against the metal rang right after Haruki's question. Uenoyama took his time in getting the drink first and handing it to Haruki before shrugging, "I'm trying to find the right timing."

"Is there even a right timing for breakups?" Haruki snorted. He opened his can before adding, "He missed you, y'know. His face tells so much. He looks so happy when you guys ate together. It was just snacks but Mafuyu's face looked like you brought him in a fancy restaurant or something. And yet, here you are, leaving him with Akihiko with a poor excuse of talking to me about making coffee."

Uenoyama laughed a little. He did sound like an asshole, but he thinks it's for the best. "He asked me directly to eat with him, so I couldn't say no. I wouldn't spend time with him if he didn't directly ask me to."

"But isn't that what you want? To directly show him that you're distant already?"

Conversations with Haruki really do sometimes feel like a cold splash on the face. He just nailed it. Spot on. Uenoyama could only put his lip on a thin line. _Haruki-san is right. That's my perfect opportunity to show Mafuyu that I'm not into this relationship anymore, and yet I agreed joining him in eating._

"It's because you still care for Mafuyu, Uecchi," Haruki supplies like he's some sort of a mind reader.

And Uenoyama could not bring himself to deny.

And maybe he did care so much, so that's why he's hurting a lot now.

He kept his lips shut.

* * *

"How's the songs going, Ue?"

The band is in the middle of packing up when the question bounced inside the room.

Both Mafuyu and Haruki's head snapped up to look at Uenoyama. "You're making new songs, Uenoyama-kun?" Mafuyu asked, face filled with excited curiosity. His eyes are sparkling as if he heard the best news he had in his life. On the other hand, Uenoyama ignores the knowing-questioning look from Haruki. Haruki's face screams so much of personal knowledge that makes Uenoyama gulped. He only stares ahead to answer Akihiko, "I'm kinda stuck with the lyrics, but the instrumental's done. I'll send the files to you when I get home."

Akihiko grinned widely at him, "Oh, come on! It's alright! Take your time. We have plenty of days before we're needing of new songs, anyway."

Uenoyama nods, "Thanks."

Just as the four of them are exiting the building, Haruki gently pulled Uenoyama to step behind their band mates. Uenoyama could already feel the droplet of sweat sliding down his nape before Haruki could even start talking.

"The songs... they're heartbreak songs, aren't they?"

Uenoyama only hums.

Haruki sighed, blowing his bangs out of his face, "Right." Uenoyama expects some scolding. He's already preparing himself to feel worse, but Haruki only puts a hand on Uenoyama's shoulder with a comforting smile on his lips. "I'm sure they'll turn great, Uecchi. You're doing well. Always remember that, alright?" Haruki's words had Uenoyama's throat locking up. _So, this is what it feels like to be noticed._ Uenoyama tearfully smiles back at his older band mate, an older brother he was thankfully gifted with, and tries to hold back the tears in his eyes from flowing down his cheeks, "Thanks, Haruki-san."

The two were too caught up in their conversation and did not realize that their other band mates had already stopped walking to watch them. It is only when Uenoyama is done laughing lightly to himself and discreetly dabbing at the tears in the corner of his eyes that they look straight ahead. They were instantly greeted with worried looks from their faces.

"Is everything okay?" Mafuyu breathlessly asked.

Haruki was quick to smile brightly. He stepped forward to hook his arms around Akihiko's waist with a grin, "Yeah, yeah! Uecchi and I just remembered something from the past, but we're all good!"

Akihiko worriedly looks down at his boyfriend, "Are you okay, Haru?"

"Yeah!" Haruki replied brightly. Seeing as to how Akihiko is also getting worried, Uenoyama also smiled reassuringly at his band mates. "All good. Haruki-san just gave me an advice and I might have took it too much on a personal level," he said. His eyes turn to Mafuyu, who still can't wipe off the worry in his face, and reached out a hand to ruffle his hair.

Mafuyu quickly leaned on the gesture, smiling softly when Uenoyama's palm slides down his cheek. He places his hand over Uenoyama's while rubbing his cheek against the warm palm cradling his face, "Is something bothering you, Uenoyama-kun?"

A smile.

"I'm okay. Don't worry."

_I'm not, but I will be. Don't worry._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't do this again, please."

Uenoyama is already running late to a concert their band was invited to as audience. His original plan was to stall for a bit, just a bit, because he knows Hiiragi's band is going to perform there. He isn't sure if he considers Hiiragi as his friend, or if Hiiragi considers him as a friend, but Uenoyama has already been familiar with him from their interactions before up until the process of completing Yuuki's song for Mafuyu. Even if Uenoyama had forgotten his face and name when Mafuyu formally introduced them, they spent time together after that. He thinks it's safe to say that Hiiragi is passed his acquaintance already. He even knows his school.

However, that doesn't make it less harder for Uenoyama to not get reminded of his pain whenever he sees Hiiragi, especially if he's going to hear the song that he completed be performed later.

It's like seeing a glimpse of a past. It is another reminder of a memory Uenoyama knows, but at the same time he doesn't. This walking in a thin thread is tiring him out. _It is hard to be put in a place wherein you don't even know where you're standing on._

So he stalled for a bit.

He tried, is the more accurate term.

Well, Uenoyama had fallen asleep while wallowing in his sadness in the middle of writing a song.

Even if attending is painful for his personal feelings, Uenoyama does not want his band to be put in a bad light because of his emotions. That is too unprofessional in his opinion. _I'll most likely put a strain when our relationship ended. Don't wanna add more stress for the others._ So yes, he will get there even if he's already panting so hard running and trying to catch his ride.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! What the fuck am I gonna do!"

_For fuck's sake!_ Uenoyama curses in his head. It seems like heaven wants him to be more late than ever. He's in a hurry, for Pete's sake, but the strong urge to help that cry of desperation had effectively made Uenoyama stop in his track to find the source of voice. He was panting as he turned his head around, and on the sidewalk, he saw a woman hunched over a guitar.

"I'm so screwed, oh my god! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" As Uenoyama got closer, the cursing of the woman became clearer. Uenoyama is torn if he should interrupt the cursing of the woman or wait until she calmed down, but he did the former, anyways.

"Uh, is everything alright?" Uenoyama coughs.

The woman's head looked up to see a figure hunching over her form. Uenoyama's shadow is casted over her. The woman had to squint her eyes to get a better look of his face because the light behind him is blinding her.

But once she did see Uenoyama's face, she can't help but grin.

"Wow, you have the face!"

"What?" Uenoyama splutters. The woman laughed before standing up. Uenoyama took the chance to examine the guitar strings on the instrument she was holding. One string is broken.

"Wait here," was all Uenoyama said before darting off to the nearest shop to buy new set of strings.

* * *

"Oh, so you're part of a band!"

Uenoyama nods his head, quickly finishing tuning the guitar in his hand. From the small conversations they shared, he learnt that the girl's name is Sunny, the guitar isn't hers, it is to be brought to a concert she is headed to for a band member, and she almost had a heart attack when the string broke because she knows bullshit of guitars, and the highlight: she will probably lose her job if she brought it with a broken string at the venue.

Handing the guitar back to Sunny, Uenoyama shrugs. "Here. They should have given you its case. Ask them next time." He knew that Sunny is probably in a hurry because she kept looking at her watch and she looks really agitated. Uenoyama is in a hurry, too, so he knows where she's coming from.

"I hope you make it on time, though."

Sunny grins, "Of course! Don't worry about me!"

Uenoyama nods for the last time, preparing all his energy to dash off when Sunny pulled him back. He was surprised when she handed him money. "Take a taxi, handsome guy. I know you're in a hurry as well." Uenoyama blinked. He was obviously and comically looking confused as to how Sunny managed to know it, but the woman only smiled at him, "Great minds think alike!"

It's obvious that they have no time for talks because they both have somewhere to go to, so Sunny settled with a short wave, "Hope to see you soon!"

* * *

"Ue, you made it!"

He spotted them gathered around a small table with Akihiko waving wildly at him, Haruki grinning and Mafuyu widening his eyes.

By the time Uenoyama had joined his band mates, he was profusely sweating and panting. He felt Mafuyu's hand quickly holding his under the table. And then, a squeeze. Uenoyama turns to see his boyfriend worriedly looking at him. "I'm fine, don't worry," he mouthed to Mafuyu. Mafuyu still looks worried with an apparent pout in his lips, so Uenoyama discreetly pulled him closer to his side with a squeeze on his hand. Mafuyu gladly leaned onto him as he turns to Haruki and Akihiko with a shy smile, "I'm not too late, I hope?"

Haruki drank his glass with a wave of his hand, "Nope. They're just about to start." Uenoyama sighs in relief.

Then, Mafuyu's soft voice reached him.

"Don't do this again, please."

Uenoyama turned to Mafuyu, "Hm?"

Mafuyu's cheeks are tinted pink, "Don't do this again—tiring yourself out. We wouldn't mind if you missed a song or two." He was clearly worried out of his mind. Their other band mates are trying their best to tune their conversation out, but their eyes are so obvious that they are curious as to how these young boys' conversation will turn out.

A small squeeze on his hand. That's what Mafuyu only received.

* * *

It took Uenoyama's all to not excuse himself out when that song started playing. He does not even know what to call that song. A song for Mafuyu? Yuuki's incomplete song? The song he finished? Ah, Yuuki's incomplete song for Mafuyu that he finished? _Bullshit._

Mafuyu was sporting that look again. How is it possible to have a blank face painted with sadness? His eyes were far away, as if he's staring right through Hiiragi's band and looking at someone the mortals' naked eyes could not see. Someone behind. Someone probably looking over Hiiragi's band singing. Someone probably handsomely leaning on the side like a proud stage manager far from the lights of the stage. Someone only Mafuyu could see. But, for some reason, Uenoyama felt like he's the one missing. For some reason, he's the one feeling like a ghost.

"Uenoyama-kun?"

Uenoyama feels Mafuyu flinching beside him. He looked down to see that he had unconsciously slid his hand off of his boyfriend's grip.

Mafuyu eyes are pooled with worry, "Why? What's wrong?"

The last song for the night just ended, only the crowd cheering is heard. He tries to wait until it dies down, hoping it would bring his heart into calmness as well. He couldn't even hear the people clapping around them. He could see them, but he grew so numb he can't hear the joy in their voices. Mafuyu's lips also continues to move, but Uenoyama could not hear him. Everything feels muted. Uenoyama is growing more irritated at the fact that he can see them enjoying, and yet he could not feel an ounce happiness of what they're probably experiencing.

_This is bad. I'm losing myself._

Uenoyama should break it off now.

"Mafuyu, maybe we should—"

"Oh, it's you!"

The words from Uenoyama's lips had been cut off. He thought he saw relief flashing on Mafuyu's face, but at this point, Uenoyama does not want to indulge in that anymore. It was probably just he's hopeful thinking.

Uenoyama wasn't able to continue anymore when he registered the familiar face of the new person joining them in their table. "Oh, it's you..." he mumbles. Sunny is grinning widely at him and he's well aware at how his band mates are silently yet curiously watching their interaction. Akihiko in particular was surprised. He's probably asking himself when did this young boy start growing like a social butterfly to know someone they don't know or someone not from his school. Akihiko just knows that this woman is not from his school because Mafuyu is also looking... rather vigilant around her.

There was tension.

"I didn't really catch your name earlier, but the bands that performed earlier told me you're Uenoyama Ritsuka," Sunny, seemingly unaware of the doubtful stares pointed at her, continues to smile. "I knew you're familiar when we saw each other earlier! Heard a lot about you," she giggles. Sunny also crossed her arms against her chest with a sigh, "I'd probably know more if I'm in this industry for longer than I have!"

Frankly, Uenoyama does not know what to say. He likes helping people, sure, but that's the extent of his socializing ability. He was not equipped for conversations like this.

"I haven't thanked you properly for what you did. I'm glad we get to see each other again!"

And, Haruki had enough of silently watching. "What is it that you did to her?" he asks Uenoyama. The boy's eyes widened at his band mate's suggesting eyes. "Oi! It wasn't like that! I just helped Sunny-san in fixing her guitar!"

Akihiko whistles, "Oh, first name basis already?"

"I don't know her last name!"

Sunny laughs. "Ah, so when I say my last name, you're going to call me by that now?" Haruki and Akihiko were both snickering. They seem to be having fun in teasing Uenoyama because in all of his yelling voice and sternness, he's actually an innocent baby who seem to not have seen the light of the fields of girls and interactions. He's hopeless. Sunny seems to catch on to this, noting that the boy is different from when she met him earlier. She raised her eyebrows while trying to stop herself from laughing, "That's too bad! And here I am planning to call you by your first name! Ritsuka is a pretty name."

Uenoyama groans. These people are absolutely making fun of him.

Not all, though. Mafuyu remains quiet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is it.. alright for Uenoyama-kun if I tag along?"

They spent minutes on telling what happened earlier that day. At some point, Haruki smiled sadly while mumbling, "This kid is so selfless." He might think he was speaking to himself, but Uenoyama heard him and he knew the implications go beyond helping someone even when he's running late to an event. He gulped internally, mind going haywire at the thought of being too selfless, he's possibly losing himself. Or maybe he already lost himself? Uenoyama does not know...

As it turns out, Yamamoto Sunny is older than Uenoyama. She's already in college and working as a stage manager is her part-time job. "It hasn't been long since I started managing band concerts, though. It's a change from the usual performances I directed before. I used to manage one or two dancing groups..." That's the reason why Haruki is acquainted with her (much to Akihiko's pleasant surprise), and even Uenoyama's sister. They bumped into each other in some gigs.

"I haven't been able to call Yamamoto-chan in her first name, and here you are—" Uenoyama cuts Haruki off by glaring at him. "Alright. I get it, I get it," the older band member surrenders.

Sunny laughed at their interaction. "Well, how about I treat you guys to dinner as a thanks for what Uenoyama did for me?"

Akihiko literally howls. He only stopped his embarrassing moment when Haruki elbowed him on the side. "Praise Uenoyama-sama! His one good deed will bring us all to heaven," he says, though. Unfortunately for Akihiko, Haruki glared at his victory, "We need to get groceries tonight, Aki!"

"Oh, shit. You're right," the drummer nods. He turns apologetically to Sunny. "Aw, man. We can't go this time."

"It's okay! I'm sure we'll bump in each other again soon, or I could just contact Nakayama-san to ask when are you guys free! Let's meet next time, okay?" Sunny grinned. Men around her are staring at how pretty and bright she is. Haruki and Akihiko almost felt bad that they can't accept her invitation and before they could think of it, both of their mouth spoke at the same time.

"Ue is free tonight!"

God, their brain cells!

Uenoyama blinked thrice when Sunny turned to him. He could see Haruki and Akihiko smiling sheepishly at him, seemingly realizing already that Uenoyama sucks at social interactions and he does not know shit about comfortably interacting with women because he has never shown that much interest in them. _I'm gonna bang their heads when I meet them at band practice._ Amidst of his plan on whacking his band mate's skull, Uenoyama kept an awkward glance while shyly scratching his chin. "Uh, I just need to walk Mafuyu at the station and then, I'm free..."

"Oh? Is Sato-san busy tonight? I was thinking if he could join us," Sunny giggles. "It won't be past your curfew, I promise. You know, I think Uenoyama-san would function like a robot if he's left alone."

_God bless. God bless you, Sunny woman! You're a literal god sent!_ Uenoyama decided that he likes this woman. God, it was such a blessing for someone to understand that he's a shit if he's left alone, so yes, God bless Sunny Yamamoto's soul for being so considerate.

_But, wait._ The gears in his mind started working. If Haruki and Akihiko can't go, it will just be the three of them: Yamamoto, him and Mafuyu. Of course, soon after, Yamamoto will leave. The woman might even leave them to themselves from time to time due to unforeseen circumstances. Does that mean he would get to spend more time with Mafuyu? Oh, god dammit. He should be avoiding him! He should just drop him off at the station and not be with him more! Spending more time with Mafuyu would only prolong the impending breakup! _As much as I suck at social interactions, I do worse at this relationship. I shouldn't have been given rights to date. Fuck it. Fuck it all!_

"Is it... alright for Uenoyama-kun if I tag along?"

_Shit._ Uenoyama curses in his head. Mafuyu's soft voice really gets him so bad, it is not funny anymore. He felt nervous every time Mafuyu's voice sounds like that, like it's going to break anytime, because Uenoyama knows he'll break first before anything else gets broken.

"Uenoyama-san, you wouldn't mind, right?" Sunny's voice is still bright. Uenoyama is thankful that she seems oblivious of the chaos going in his head. "We shouldn't leave someone as cute as Sato-san alone!" Sunny even joked.

Uenoyama could only nod wordlessly.

* * *

"Your vocals are ungodly, Sato-san," the only girl in the table whistled. Mafuyu dipped his head shyly. Sunny has been doing pretty much all the talking on their way to the restaurant and up until they've settled in their table. Their conversation swirled around nothing particular. Earlier, it was about her finding out that they're basically teenagers and babies in her eyes until it swerved to the talks of their music, which led them to what they're doing right now. The trio is hunched over Sunny's phone as they watch the live performance Haruki had uploaded in their channel.

Sunny, noticing that Mafuyu is shy about receiving compliments, laughed softly. "You two are literally babies in my eyes. You can't change my mind."

"Babies?! Excuse me?!" Uenoyama splutters. For a mere second, he swore he saw a glimpse of Yayoi in Sunny. It scares him more than it should. He's sure he felt a shiver run down his spine. Just the thought of having a Yayoi 2.0 is absolutely terrifying. Uenoyama saw it as an absolute nightmare.

"Yayoi is right. His little brother is a child."

"Ha?!" Uenoyama popped a vein. "That woman said what?!"

From the sidelines, it would look like that Sunny and Uenoyama had long known each other. The other has his teeth gritted while the other is laughing mercilessly. It doesn't seem like they just briefly met through an unfortunate circumstance. Heck, it doesn't even look like they just knew each other today. Maybe the familiarity of the woman to the other's older sister contributed much. Or maybe it is Sunny's skill to get in Uenoyama's nerve without even trying hard.

Mafuyu should know that much. Uenoyama might come off as always irritated on a daily basis, which is a popular misconception because he doesn't mind other's business long as it does not bother him or the people he cared for.

Uenoyama rarely give reactions this extravagant, and for him to react well to someone's antics might have meant that he likes this companion to a certain degree.

Mafuyu missed that feeling with his boyfriend.

_"Mafuyu, maybe we should—"_

Mafuyu's eyes widened. _No, no, no. Why get reminded of that now? No._ He shakes his head to get rid of those thoughts. He doesn't want to deal with them right now. Not right now. Probably not even tomorrow, or the day after that, or the week after that. Hopefully, never.

"Sato-san?"

A hand is waving in front of the vocalist's face. Mafuyu woke up from his trance, seeing Sunny's worried face staring at him. "You okay, Sato-san? You've been quiet all of a sudden," the woman smiles worriedly at him. Mafuyu initially doesn't like her, for obvious reasons and some, but she's looking all kind to him and he doesn't understand why he felt so bad that someone as kind as her would potentially hang around Uenoyama a lot. It doesn't also help that Mafuyu feels how genuine she is, and now he felt extra bad.

"Ah, just thinking about school and stuff..."

Sunny smiled empathetically, "School is hard, yeah? I'm sure you're doing your best."

Mafuyu feels so bad. He doesn't understand it, can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but it's bad and he doesn't like it.

"Uenoyama-kun, I'll just go to the bathroom." Uenoyama startled a little at Mafuyu's voice directed at him. "Yeah, sure," he nods nonchalantly. Uenoyama tries to act as natural as possible. It was almost Mafuyu's second nature to say random things at him, or tell him if he's going somewhere or not. _Shit, this is a problem._ When his boyfriend left the table, Uenoyama gnawed on his lower lip. _There's so many things that need to end. His habits, this relationship... god dammit._

He's far too deep in thinking to notice that Sunny's bright face turned serious.

"Uenoyama-san."

The man blinked, "Uh?"

Sunny's face remains blank. Uenoyama would have asked if something happened, but then before he could stop himself, words are silenced from his mouth. Words are not needed to display how shocked he is.

His eyes widened upon seeing his notebook, his very own notebook of heartbreak secrets, being slid by Sunny towards him, the lyrics missing a bridge and final chorus suddenly completed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Uenoyama-kun, I miss you."

He can't believe it.

The song is really complete now.

The song is really blasting from his headphones, not with a missing bridge and final chorus.

"Damn..." Uenoyama mumbles under his breath. The current song that is playing in his ear would obviously undergo certain changes first for the studio version, but the fact that the lyrics are complete really baffles Uenoyama in a way he never thought he could. What did it take for the song's heartbreaking lines to be completed? Someone he bumped and helped randomly.

But, yeah. The song would obviously undergo changes. The fact that Mafuyu's voice is not the one singing the song is something that needs to be worked on.

_**To: Kaji-san** _  
_The song is completed. A friend helped me and she gave me the demo version._

After sending the message, Uenoyama was about to continue eating his bread when he felt a soft tugging on his sleeve. He looked down to see Mafuyu looking at him, and there's an obvious pout on his lips that the vocalist does not even bother to hide. This is torture for Uenoyama Ritsuka.

"Yeah?" Uenoyama just asked instead, lowering the volume of the music and trying to mask the effect that pout has on his existence. However, even if he doesn't try, it looks like Mafuyu would not notice anyway. He seems to be bothered by something. "What is it?" Uenoyama asked, now taking the headphones off his head to completely turn his attention to Mafuyu. Oddly, that seems to do the trick because Mafuyu's eyes sparkled like a child finally getting what he wants.

Uenoyama internally sighed. _I shouldn't be doing this, y'know?_ For weeks, he had been successful avoiding his own boyfriend at lunch, but this particular day is the day where there are no teacher tasks to do, no friends to kill time playing basketball, and no nap time to let Mafuyu eat his lunch silently to himself. The last option is more of Uenoyama's choice, to be honest. He's not innocent of faking his sleep just to keep distance away from Mafuyu, but right now he doesn't want to do that. Or more like, there is no time for that.

All of his cells were awakened when Sunny sent him the audio file of the demo version.

And yes, Uenoyama had been listening to it all throughout lunch. Well, not until right now that he's talking to his boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Uenoyama snorted. _I really shouldn't be doing this._

Their spot was silent save from the muffled noises of the chatting students from the gym. Uenoyama has been fiddling with his headphones for a while now, waiting for whatever Mafuyu has something to say. 

The red head seemingly noticed Uenoyama's hands getting itchy already to have the headphones back, so with all the rawness and unfiltered statement, he asked, "Did happen between you and Yamamoto-san when I went to the bathroom?"

As if on cue, Uenoyama's phone vibrated the same time he blinked.

_**From: Kaji-san** _  
_It was Yamamoto-san right???? Haru told me you guys been hanging out to finish the song. Really nice girl!!! We blessed man..!_

Uenoyama closed his phone as the memory of the dinner with Sunny before flooded his mind. He can't form words, he's silent, but a lot is going on in Uenoyama's head. The question rang repeatedly. _Did something happen? Did something happen between us?_ Uenoyama cannot help but gulped at the memory. _Hell yeah. A lot had happened. A hecking lot._

* * *

"Do you want to come over today, Uenoyama-kun?" Mafuyu asked.

Uenoyama took a moment before smiling, "I'm sorry, but I can't today. Sorry."

"You make it sound like you've came over these past weeks."

That was sharp. That stung. When Uenoyama turned to his boyfriend, Mafuyu is wearing a tiny smile in his face, but the both of them are not stupid to know that the tone he just used on Uenoyama is sharp and anything but smiles. Even his eyes and the little tug of his lips look piercing in closer inspection. At the most, Mafuyu's voice almost sounded like an accusation, but of something, Uenoyama has no goddamned idea.

Uenoyama also has no idea of the enclosed fists Mafuyu has.

"Can't really make it today. Sorry. I have to meet a friend," Uenoyama said, although he's perfectly aware that it wouldn't brighten his boyfriend's mood anyway. He already struck a nerve when he didn't fully answer Mafuyu's question involving Sunny earlier at lunch, leaving it with a shake of his head that obviously didn't convince the vocalist. Uenoyama knew that he annoyed his own boyfriend far too much now. But hey, he's not stupid enough to say that he's meeting with Yamamoto after sending Mafuyu off to his ride home. That would surely make Mafuyu ten times more irritated than what he already is now.

_But isn't this what you want, you asshole?_

Uenoyama sighed. He's really bad at managing himself when he's put in this kind of situation. Everything feels contradicting. His emotions are clashing. The only therapeutic thing to do is write away his woes and put melody in them.

But right now, he has a boyfriend to focus on.

"I'll make it up next time." The easy route to get away from the impending argument in a relationship.

"You said that last time." Or maybe not.

Suddenly, it felt like time became so slow as Uenoyama wishes for the train to arrive. It used to be so short before. It used to be sad letting go of Mafuyu before, but now Uenoyama wishes for the train to arrive so he could run away somewhere without leaving Mafuyu behind.

"Uenoyama-kun."

Said boy flinches when his name was called. He hesitantly stared down at Mafuyu, and god Uenoyama almost breaks at the sad smile in his lips. The guitarist's fingers are harshly digging against his palms as he continues to stare at Mafuyu's sad smile. _Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. He's now sad. Isn't this what you want? Isn't this what you're waiting for? Timing, right? Go, asshole. Do it._

Uenoyama breathes in deeply.

"Mafuyu, maybe we—"

"We tell each other what's wrong, right?" Mafuyu cuts off. For a second, Uenoyama was lost to what his boyfriend is talking about. "Uenoyama-kun, we talked it out, right? And then we made up." Now that Uenoyama follows what Mafuyu is saying, his chest felt more painful. Uenoyama didn't think it was possible, but his chest felt tighter as Mafuyu continues to speak with tears forming in his eyes. "Remember?" Mafuyu trembles. "You told me to tell you anything, and I shouldn't have that look on my face like I will cry all by myself. We talked, right? And then we made up then. Do you remember? I said we should talk it out before—before it gets too late—and, Uenoyama-kun, I don't want it to be late. I don't. I—Uenoyama-kun, please, before it's late..."

Uenoyama feels numb. He can't say anything.

Mafuyu stares up at his boyfriend, probably waiting for any kind of response, but Uenoyama remained silent, wordless. His boyfriend isn't saying anything. Mafuyu suddenly wants to cry but he fought against it.

"And, maybe Uenoyama-kun does not want to talk right now, but that's okay! I'll just start first, okay?" Mafuyu rambles, hands moving everywhere until they reached to grip Uenoyama's sleeve, and from then, Uenoyama feels him trembling. Shaking. But it calmed down after Mafuyu took a deep breath, as if he's preparing himself for something big.

The train has finally arrived, sound waking everyone out of their stupor to get on, but Uenoyama only has his focus on Mafuyu's sparkling eyes and genuine smile at him. The sound of the train halting is loud, just like Uenoyama's heart ramming against his chest, but not louder as to how Mafuyu's words rang in his ear.

"Uenoyama-kun, I miss you."

The movement of the people around them as they get on the train is making the place warm, but definitely not as warm as Mafuyu's lips when it touches Uenoyama's cheek.

* * *

"Mafuyu, I'm meeting with Yamamoto-san."

Mafuyu froze for a second, hand hovering over his house's door, before he retracts it to face Uenoyama with an honest smile. "Okay."

Well, Uenoyama ended up bringing him home.

They held hands inside the train, as they walk towards Mafuyu's home, and Mafuyu has his head on his shoulder all the time. It was totally new. They are not fans of showing affection in public, especially if there are people watching around, but at that time no one said a word. They remained quiet still. This is actually their first conversation since that from the station. Frankly, Uenoyama is not sure if he made the right choice to talk by opening a topic like that.

But Mafuyu is suddenly hugging him tight.

It's warm. Their bodies felt warm.

"Thank you for being honest with me, Uenoyama-kun."

Maybe Uenoyama didn't exactly do a wrong choice.

Mafuyu visibly melts when Uenoyama wrapped his arms around his body to hug him as well. "I guess you can't stay since you have to meet Yamamoto-san?"

Uenoyama cradles his head, "Hm. Sorry. It's about the band's new songs, so..."

Mafuyu pulls his head away from Uenoyama's neck to smile up at his boyfriend, "That's okay." Uenoyama almost felt deaf with how loud his heart is beating when Mafuyu affectionately rubs their foreheads together. "Thank you for working hard, Uenoyama-kun. Don't forget to take a rest, okay?"

_I'm so selfish. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mafuyu._

Uenoyama presses their lips together.

Mafuyu kisses him back.

_Mafuyu, I'm so sorry._

"I need to go," Uenoyama brushes against Mafuyu's lips. _I need to stop this. I'm just making it harder for you. It will just hurt more. Mafuyu, I'm so sorry._

The latter blinked in a daze before nodding, "Yes, of course." They slowly let go of each other. Too slow, as if they don't want to be really separated from each other's warmth. It was inevitable to be separated, but they made it a point to still cling their fingers together even when they aren't pressed chest-to-chest anymore. Uenoyama wanted to pull his hand, because fuck, he thinks he's making it harder for them once they reached their end point. But, Mafuyu. Sweet and tender Mafuyu is looking so happy with his hand being cradled like that.

"You should go in first," Uenoyama suggests. Mafuyu smiles prettily, totally happy and giddy feeling Uenoyama's fingers gently running over his calloused fingers. "Okay. Text me when you get home please?" Mafuyu asks. When he looks hesitant for his next words, Uenoyama looks curiously at him with a smile. Looking how patient Uenoyama is, Mafuyu finally mumbles his words.

"And, um, apologize to Yamamoto-san for me. For holding you up, I mean..."

Uenoyama sighed.

_I'm fucking up so much today. Might as well go for it all the way. Fuck, you're an asshole, Uenoyama Ritsuka._

Uenoyama leans down to press a soft kiss on Mafuyu's temple, hands till cradling the red head's. "It's all on me, don't worry about it. I messaged her earlier anyway and she said it's okay, so it should be okay," Uenoyama's voice is muffled as he continues to nuzzle Mafuyu's hair, but Mafuyu liked it better that way.

"Okay. Take care, please? I'll see you tomorrow, Uenoyama-kun."

And with Mafuyu's last kiss and blushing cheeks, as he hurriedly went inside his house and closed the door, Uenoyama is off to his appointment with a troubled heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😭😭😭


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our songs speak for ourselves, but they are not always enough, Ritsuka."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this somehow became an uenoyama kinda-but-not-really-understudy damn. 
> 
> also, edit: want to make it hurt more? play exile by taylor swift ft. bon iver for added pains with no relief

"I couldn't leave him alone like that."

Sunny smiles understandingly at the boy sitting across from her. Uenoyama ended up telling her what happened with his boyfriend because the moment he stepped inside, his face looks nothing but troubled. Sunny had to ask him what's wrong, to make sure that he isn't being followed by a baseball bat or something. The moment they sat down, Uenoyama had groaned and told her about another chapter of his heartbreaking love life. _Poor kid._ Sunny smiled sadly while hearing his stories, like how they argued at the station, how Mafuyu tries his best to not cry but failing at it, how Uenoyama can not absolutely let him travel alone like that, how they held hands and kissed... yeah.

"I'm really sorry for making you wait, Yamamoto-san," Uenoyama said for at least eighth time now, and Sunny sighed exasperatedly at him. "Boy, I told you, it's no problem! If I were in your shoes, I'd probably do the same."

"But still, I agreed to meet you earlier."

"Kid, listen, you were worried about Mafuyu-san, and that's completely normal. And also, valid. He's your boyfriend. Anyone can understand that, Uenoyama."

After what happened back in the restaurant, wherein Sunny finished his heartbreak lyrics because Uenoyama was dumb enough to drop his notebook when he was fixing Sunny's guitar, the two started officially working together to finish the song. Naturally, they also grew closer. Sunny felt like she gained a younger brother. This closeness prompted them to open up about inspirations and whatnot, and so they are now perfectly aware of the other's love lives.

She could still remember how Uenoyama blushed so hard when Sunny told him that she knew something's up between him and Mafuyu the first time they met. _What a silly kid._

"Anyway," Sunny cheers. "What do you plan about the song now? Have you told your band members about it already?"

Uenoyama's face suddenly became nervous. Sunny frowned worriedly at the kid. "Why? What's wrong?" she asked. "Should we revise more?" Uenoyama sheepishly scratches his chin, "About that... can we postpone it?"

"You mean, the song we wrote?"

"Yes. That one. Maybe we could release the others we're working on first? I mean, we have two almost complete ones..."

Putting the dots in her head, the woman raised her eyebrows at Uenoyama. _So, you already felt uncomfortable on the comfort you've been leaning on, huh._

Sunny smiled knowingly, "I knew you'd say that." Uenoyama splutters, his face filled with question marks, like, what, how, why? But Sunny only grinned at him with a dismissive shake of her head. "Uenoyama, it must be hard singing about a heartbreak when you just shared a sweet moment with the same person who became the muse of that pain, right?"

Uenoyama gulped. _That was a long ass a statement._

Bingo!

_But she's not wrong..._

Uenoyama's ears burnt so hard he knew it reaches his cheeks until his whole face is fucking red. "What—how, why, what the fuck?!" he rambles on. Sunny snorted after drinking her tea. "You poor thing. This is the downside of first love," she says as if she's reading a notable line from a best-selling novel. She even checked her nails while sighing dramatically, "Emotions are confusing as hell."

"Dude, I don't know what kind of big sibling seminar you attend with my sister or Haruki-san, but shit, it is creeping me the fuck out."

"What, because we hit it?" Sunny grinned teasingly. "We're kinda good at this, yeah?" she wriggled her eyebrows. For most, it would be all fun and teasing in her aura but then, she smiled genuinely at Uenoyama. "Maybe because we have our own fair share of experiences when it comes to this? No offense, but you're basically a baby in this field, aren't you?" Uenoyama didn't deny that claim. "So, maybe we're telling you things that might not be wrong, but not exactly right either, but you see them as correct because it's coming from us who have experiences already."

Uenoyama frowned. _Damn. Now, that's something to think about._

"But hey," Sunny waved her hand nonchalantly. "We don't know, Uenoyama. Just because we tell advice does not mean they're right."

Uenoyama silently stares at Sunny. _Old people are fucking scary._ It is irking him how their words somehow fit. They don't even say the same thing. They even somewhat contradict each other, but all of their words... they fit. It irritatingly fits.

_"That boy's going to break your heart."_

_"It's because you still care for Mafuyu, Uecchi."_

_"Uenoyama, it must be hard singing about a heartbreak when you just shared a sweet moment with the same person who became the muse of that pain, right?"_

Uenoyama clenches his fists. He closed his eyes to try to think of what he's feeling, and it brings a cold feeling on his skin when he realizes that he's starting to get scared. _Are my feelings too deep? Am I getting too deep? Fuck._ The more he thinks about it, the more Uenoyama becomes scared of himself. He didn't get scared before. He didn't get scared when he asked Mafuyu to join the band. He didn't get scared before when he showed how much he cares about Mafuyu. He didn't get scared when he kissed Mafuyu at the backstage. He overcame his fear when he asked permission to date Mafuyu. He didn't get scared when it is about Mafuyu.

So why is he feeling scared now being this deep?

And then, Uenoyama thinks.

Didn't he really get scared before?

And then his mind flashes Mafuyu's face. Mafuyu looking spaced out. Mafuyu looking sad. Mafuyu looking far ahead. Mafuyu looking like he's not there with him. Mafuyu looking like he's seeing someone no one can see other than him.

_Maybe I did get scared, huh._

"Ritsuka."

Uenoyama jolts from his uncomfortable trance when Sunny called him, not by his family name, but by his first name. It immediately made his eyes opened to meet Sunny's eyes seriously looking at his. It almost made Uenoyama intimidated, but he refuses to make himself small. "What?"

Sunny snorts, "Bratty, I see." The woman leaned her chin against her palm with a look of calmness in her face. "I was just gonna tell you about my boyfriend."

Oh, right. Sunny has a boyfriend.

"You know we're in a rough patch, right?"

Uenoyama silently nods his head. Working with someone, especially in lyric writing, had surprisingly opened the both of them to share about the muses of their words. At first, Uenoyama thought it'll be nonsense to share and awkward to begin with, but it turned the other way around. They both found themselves working together while sharing their experiences. Uenoyama sucks at sharing the most, so Sunny contributes most to the conversation, but at least the lady is nice enough to not force him into speaking in detail.

_It felt corny, but nice, having someone to share thoughts with._ Uenoyama agrees.

"What about him?" Uenoyama asks about the boyfriend. He thought how Sunny had always been the one doing the talking before so if Sunny needs a space to breathe right now, Uenoyama thinks it's just fair he takes the other's role for a while. _Hell, Yamamoto-san had heard the heartbreak of a high schooler so this is the least that I can do._

"I'm going to break up with him."

Uenoyama chokes in his own drink.

"Fuck—wait, ha?!" the boy splutters, eyes going so wide he thinks they will pop out of his skull. In contrast, Sunny wears a calm smile in her face that Uenoyama absolutely does not fucking understand.

Okay, maybe a bit? Maybe he could get it if he's going to deduct it from the stories he heard from Sunny. Her relationship with her boyfriend had turned bad and messy, Uenoyama thinks it wasn't ideal to even continue it, but...

"But, the way you write them..." Uenoyama spaces out. Suddenly, all of the words written by his friend flows inside his head. "See sunrise with you... wait for another spring... be your warmth in winter..." Uenoyama recites under his breathe, because all of them hang around how much Sunny is still holding to her boyfriend despite the rough part of their relationship.

And now, she's telling she's breaking up after writing those?

It doesn't make sense.

"Why?"

Sunny says, "They might be my feelings, but they don't work the same way in actions compared to how letters do, Ritsuka."

Uenoyama felt shot, but was quick to recover as he clears his throat, "Well, maybe that's good? I mean, if that's what you want, I'll just support you." He shrugs nonchalantly before adding, "I guess breaking it off is really the last deal to save yourself from a relationship like that."

"But that doesn't mean it should work on you too, though?"

"Huh?"

Sunny smiles, "Me breaking it off with my boyfriend. Just because it saves us from the problem, doesn't mean it should do the same for everyone." She stares out of the window, eyes looking so far away. Uenoyama knew that look altogether. _It's crazy how I'm so familiar with people's faces when they're spacing out, huh._ By knowledge, Uenoyama knew that Sunny is probably having memories flashed back inside her head, so Uenoyama does not speak. He just waits. If Sunny needs a moment, Uenoyama will gladly give it to her.

"Hey, Uenoyama-san."

"Yeah?"

Uenoyama thought that he'll be given another advice of some sort from the other, but Sunny only reached over to gently pat his head. Sunny is grinning at him while the boy narrowed his eyes in confusion. The poor boy's forehead and nose is scrunched in mixed confusion and probably disgust, so Sunny laughed before ruffling his hair and got back on her seat.

"Nothing. Just want to tell you to take care of yourself! You're pretty dumb so who knows what shit you'll pull in the future."

"Oi!"

Sunny smiled sadly to herself. _Taking care of yourself means freeing from whatever holding you back, kid. You need to speak up soon. The letters don't work like actions do as well._ "You need to let him know," she slips. Uenoyama paused his grumblings, and Sunny took this opportunity to smile at him.

And then Uenoyama's phone suddenly buzzed. He checked the notification, nonchalantly at best, trying his hardest to look annoyed at his companion, but the moment he saw the message on his screen, the act was destroyed in a second and he couldn't do anything but to stare at it and wait until he could see his widened eyes reflected on his dark screen.

"Uenoyama-san?" Sunny called out. The kid remained silent and scared and it's making Sunny nervous, too. "Hey, brat. You okay?"

Uenoyama breathes out. _No._

**_From: Haruki-san_ **

_Ue, Mafuyu heard the song. He accidentally played it from Aki's phone when we dropped by earlier. But, you don't want him to hear it right????_

"He heard it," was all Uenoyama said. Sunny took a moment to connect the dots together and when she did, her face immediately saddens. In her offering to help, she panics, "Uenoyama, we can just tell that I worte the lyrics for it or something! Or, um... that's just a demo and the lyrics do not matter because you guys are going to change it anyway! Or..."

"It's okay."

"What?"

Uenoyama laughed dryly, "At least he knew about my feelings now, right?"

Sunny stared at the boy in silence. She feels bad for him, but she also knew that pity is the last thing that Uenoyama would want right now, so she tries to keep her face neutral even if its extremely difficult to do so. Showing that would also probably made Uenoyama cave in to himself, so Sunny decided to be a non-pitying companion right now. Now that she thinks about it, she can't exactly pity the boy because she understands him. It must've been hard for Uenoyama to keep everything to himself, and the solace that he found had given him an outlet, and at some point, maybe the boy wished to be heard, too.

And now he's heard.

_But not like this. You don't want it to be like this, right, Ritsuka?_

And so, Sunny smiles.

"Our songs speak for ourselves, but they are not always enough, Ritsuka."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how yall doin!!! we still hurting yall eyyy aha


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rikka, that’s not how you should act when you’re in a relationship.”
> 
> Uenoyama suddenly bursts.
> 
> Out of nowhere.
> 
> “Fine, I don’t know anything about this bullshit, fine! I get it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might look like a filler... but ion think so because fr, every ue kinda-understudy chapter is important in this hell shit of a painful work. also, unedited for now.

"Done with homework?"

Uenoyama jumped a little on his seat. He has been too engrossed with doing his school works, and thinking about a certain someone, and the sudden needle popping his bubble is enough to make him jump like a surprised kitten. His eyebrows quickly twitched irritatingly when he heard his sister's laugh behind his back. "Oi! Stop laughing, old witch!"

"Yah!" Yayoi swung a leg at Uenoyama's feet. The boy immediately went lying on the ground as he is clutching his ankle. "Are you trying to kill me?!" he roared, but quickly went into his shell when Yayoi glared at him. _Women can be scary, huh. Or this is just my sister-thing. Damn it._ Uenoyama hadn't meant to show any kind of defeat, but from the way Yayoi giggled at him while playfully tickling his side with her toe, he's sure Yayoi found something "childish and adorable" on her little brother again.

Uenoyama quickly got up to avoid the incoming assault from his sister. "Alright, alright! Stop being annoying already," he surrenders. When he made sure that Yayoi won't be doing any sort of attack on him, he vigilantly started putting his supplies on the side to clean the table he's working on.

It was supposed to not annoy Uenoyama because Yayoi stopped talking, but from the silence he got while he's arranging his things, it made him feel awkward, more or less. "Oi, what are you staring at?" he tries to sound annoyed, but in reality, he's a bit nervous. It doesn't help that he can feel his sister's eyes literally going through the back of his head like a sharp bullet. In no time, he's facade had crumbled down and he is left looking at Yayoi with a confused yet frustrated frowning face. "Do you need to tell me something?"

"I haven't seen Pome-kid around."

Uenoyama chokes. _Holy shit. I absolutely didn't expect that._

"Why are you looking for him, anyway? I will hide him from a scary person like you," Uenoyama jokes.

He tries.

But Yayoi remained blank while staring at him, and it is best to say that Uenoyama is starting to feel really awkward. It's as if he is being scrutinized all over, and Uenoyama does not know why he suddenly feel scared at the thought of his own sister staring right through him.

_"That boy's going to break your heart."_

No. Uenoyama certainly knows.

He doesn't want his sister's words to be true. At least, he doesn't want to show her that she's right.

“You okay, Rikka?”

_Am I okay?_ Uenoyama tried to mull over it. He hadn’t really asked questions like that to himself. It has always been him asking that to someone else. He thinks there’s no reason for him to ask himself that because he had always believed that he was okay. He was fine. He was cool with everything. There’s no changing that now.

Right?

Uenoyama scrunched his eyebrows, “Perfectly fine.”

It was obvious that he isn’t and unfortunately for Uenoyama, his sister has quite the reputation of having a runny mouth.

“No, you’re not.”

Honestly? Uenoyama does not want to know where this conversation is headed. If possible, he can say that he felt a vein popping inside his head, “Then why bother asking?” His voice is definitely sounding irritated and Yayoi is definitely not unfamiliar with it by how much they bicker like the siblings they are, but this certain tone has something in it, like a drop of black paint to a white canvas.

It was small, but hell it is noticeable.

“Trouble in paradise?” Yayoi softly supplies. Uenoyama flinches from where he is now lounging at the far side of the couch but Yayoi let it passed. She took a seat at the other side, stretching her legs against the couch until they are resting on her younger brother’s lap. Uenoyama made the childish action of grumbling and trying to push her legs and feet off, but nevertheless didn’t really go through with it. Yayoi blinks at her brother’s actions. “Rikka, when was the last time that you had a proper conversation with Pome-kid?”

_A week._

“Just a couple of days.”

“So you two are really having problems?”

“It’s nothing.”

“I hope the two of you did not go with radio silence,” Yayoi hums while mindlessly checking her nails. Uenoyama might be doubtful of her capabilities in giving advices, but she knew that she got more experiences than her baby brother and from those, she knew that if people want something to keep on working, communication plays a vital role in it.

But then, Uenoyama showed no reaction to what she said.

Yayoi already does not like how this will sound. She sat up from where she’s leaning on the couch’s arm rest, eyes trying to connect with her brother’s avoiding ones, “Don’t tell me you two are in radio silence?” When Uenoyama remained unmoving, Yayoi plops back with a sigh, “Rikka, that’s not how you should act when you’re in a relationship.”

Uenoyama suddenly bursts.

Out of nowhere.

“Fine, I don’t know anything about this bullshit, fine! I get it!”

That has always been the case, right? He’s innocent in this field. It’s his first time dealing with these emotions, and Uenoyama felt like he’s fumbling with uncertainties in his head. While his boyfriend… his boyfriend probably knows what to do. Uenoyama went in this situation, thinking that he got all the bullets and armour ready for whatever fight that he needs to defeat, but now he’s left with just… confusion and, maybe, something akin to innocence. Mafuyu probably knows what to say in this situation and Uenoyama feels so small– smaller than he already initially felt, and he’s stuck in between calling Mafuyu for help or keeping Mafuyu out of his head.

“I don’t know anything about this. Fine. I know that already,” he mumbles.

_My sister is probably freaked out witnessing me exploding like this out of nowhere._

Or maybe, it isn’t out of nowhere.

Maybe this is all just building up and they all just refuse to see it.

Because Uenoyama is supposed to be always okay, always cool…

That’s how it should be.

That’s what Uenoyama wants to be.

Yayoi gulped, “Rikka…”

Did she hurt her brother again? _So much for making it up with your brother, Yayoi. Great. Just great!_ Yayoi silently berates herself. She’s been trying to understand her brother more, but now it feels like every effort she did went to nothing. She wanted to help him, but right now, maybe Uenoyama does not need someone putting words over him. It had worked before– when Uenoyama went to her regarding that song he intends to finish for someone else, but right now, Yayoi thinks she’ll just offer company.

For the rest of the afternoon, the siblings stayed silent in the couch, fiddling with their phones, but before Yayoi could go up and make food in the kitchen, she felt Uenoyama’s soft pat against her foot.

A silent apology.

Yayoi smiled. She reaches up a hand to ruin Uenoyama’s hair, which the younger boy complained about. “Brat,” Yayoi snickers, because she couldn’t understand what Uenoyama is apologizing for when she’s the one who hurt him more. _You’re such a brat, Rikka. Such a selfless brat._

* * *

Uenoyama had always been so comfortable with his sister, and so finding out that Yayoi has an idea on what’s going on didn’t really surprise him. Maybe that’s the reason why a shared glance is all it takes for them to understand that Uenoyama might take long attending to their dinner, and Yayoi did not force him out of his room.

Once he’s left in his room, Uenoyama goes back to his phone.

**_From: Mafuyu_ **

_Can we meet and talk properly now please?_

**_From: Mafuyu_ **

_It’s been a week… please… can I see you??_

**_From: Mafuyu_ **

_I miss you._

Uenoyama needed to breathe.

He needs to face and let this go.

**_To: Mafuyu_ **

_Okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kno i know we are all waiting for the GRAND mafuyama pains but have this for now while we ready our knives and bullets for our hearts, aright????
> 
> also, this is probably the longest note i've done so far in this fic but hey just wanna say that the chances of this getting a happy ending might be slim!! a happy ending is subjective in itself lol but honestly when i first got into making this fic, i've always made it a point to focus on ue so if you noticed by now, most chapters heavily surround his thoughts and actions. sure there are other characters present but they most often than not revolve around ritsuka's predicaments. with that said, this work turned out to be more of a study of uenoyama's thoughts in an alternate universe wherein he's openly exploring the painful side of, for the lack of better tem, first love. also!!! this wont probably not follow the canon timeline anymore since this work is gonna be finished soon and the manga is still updating yeah. 
> 
> last thing!!! this work does not depict the canon ritsuka!!! this is just a take of the possibilities of what ritsuka could've done and reacted in a different universe. for the canon timeline, i just wish ritsuka happiness yknow. whoever he ends up with, with or without, ow whatever he ended up doing in the future, i hope boi does get his happy ending and peace.
> 
> SPOILER IN GIVEN MOVIE!!! i lied earlier lol i have one last thing!!!! given movie was out and im not living in japan CRIES but spoilers said it's pretty much the manga so im just gonna imagine the panels moving and coloured and with spoken words i guess

**Author's Note:**

> we are just gonna hurt ourselves thats it is all about


End file.
